Where This Meets That
I loved the Incredible Hulk when I was a kid, so it was fun seeing him anew last weekend in The Avengers.
This week, I decided to have a little Hulk-inspired gripe session and name five things that, were I ever blasted with the precise mixture of gamma rays, would make me “go green” in a “smashing” way.
1) People who don’t park straight – Seriously, take the extra 5-10 seconds to back out and re-park between the lines. Of all my lingering rage issues, this is the one that makes me formulate methods of vandalism. Frequently.
2) Motorcycles – I drove home one day last week with an immaculate sense of rightness in the world. It was a perfect spring day: sun shining, birds singing, fellow drivers smiling, and me with my arm riding the winds outside my rolled-down window. Suddenly I’m side-by-side at a stop light with a motorcycle. It might has well have been an alarm clock shaking me from my bliss. Pure noise pollution, and I loathe them. Makes me want to just “look once” sometimes, if you know what I mean.
3) When people get near my food – You probably know about my weight loss efforts. I didn’t get to be over 300 lbs by giving much food away. There was an episode of Friends when Joey’s falling head over heals for a girl he’s dating . . . then she takes a french fry from his plate during a dinner and he can’t ever bring himself to get over it. Such is the relationship with me and my food. Sad but true. Reach for my plate and risk pulling back only a bloody nub where once you wore a food-groping hand.
4) Repeated alerts – I don’t like technology condescending me. When the oven beeps, I hear it and I’ll be there in just a minute. No, Mr. Oven, you really don’t need to remind me every 15 seconds thereafter. Same with computer alerts for updated versions of software, etc., that involve a little bouncy icon somewhere on the screen. It borders on a declaration of war.
5) Naggy little noises – It’s funny, I could sleep through a tornado. In fact, I have. My wife can’t sleep through crickets mating three yards down. With me, the problem is little noises when I’m awake. The little whistle that escapes a closed air vent in my car. The marble one of the kids has left in a compartment in the van that rolls and clinks with every turn. It just festers and festers until . . . well, you know.
In lieu of merging my face onto various silly Hulk pictures this week, I’ll just leave the wrap to Mr. Conan O’Brien in this hilarious clip.
Care to share some of your pet peeves? Leave a comment below!